loving with logic
by Saphira Veera
Summary: a scene plays out between Naruto and Sakura as they struggle to grasp what's left of their relationship - of what has become of them, with a monster in between. a NaruSaku AU oneshot - modern world.


"Naruto?"

"S-Sakura."

For a tenth of a second, the snow around them stops in the air as emerald orbs crash desperately against wild, blue eyes; trying to commit everything to memory as if she had forgotten him over the past few months, slowly disintegrating in her mind.

She sees him start against her furious, searching gaze, and for a heartbeat, Sakura sees her Naruto inside, trapped, pulsing gently against the hard glass of facade that seemed to surround him so long ago.

But then, cruelly, time starts again and the gentle crack in his shell repairs itself, and Naruto straightens himself, unwilling against the cold despite his thin garment. His lips twitches as if attempting to smile, but he settles for a shadow of one.

"You're in Manhattan," he says, as if he needs confirmation from her.

The city lights seem dimmer as Sakura fights the urge to envelop him in her arms; shake the devil out of him, demanding why she had been shut out this whole time without a word; and kissing him senseless because it has been colder without him - without the inner fire he himself has lost. But she cannot; she tightens her fist and grasps her scarf wound around her neck tightly.

"Yes," she says imperceptibly, softly, but says it again, this time with hardness. "Yes, I'm in Manhattan, Naruto."

"Oh," he says simply. "Welcome to Manhattan. Your parents are here, I suppose?"

She bites her lip and shuffles in the cold. It is near midnight, and pedestrians scuffles in thick coats to avoid them in a neat circle as if they are aware of the growing tension between the couple.

"No," she finally answers. She searches again for the crack in the stone, the ray of light she had been so used to. "I-I'm just - stopping by. For Ino."

"I see," he says simply again.

Silence ensues them. Sakura continues to stare at him, challenging him to speak again. Challenging him to show her - prove her - that he is still someone she used to know before, again; someone who cared, someone who loved with his heart...and not his head. Someone who had priorities.

The retail store of which they had been standing in front of, turned their lights off, casting them in long shadows. In the shadow, she then realizes the tired wrinkles around his eyes, pronounced against the paleness of his skin and the casting shadows. He's gotten so much older, she thinks, her mouth slightly apart. It looks like time had been relentless to him as he had been with his life, his occupation. The muscular build he had accumulated over the years had shrunk as if in the wash, and his shoulders no longer look like it can hold mountains. He used to be able to carry them with ease - he never complained, and simply laughed her worries away when she asked him about it. He looks battered. His dark skin pale, even against the startlingly white snow. His ubiquitous briefcase hangs by his side - the only thing that seemed to have survived whatever had been wearing him away - crashing him against the rocks, over time, again and again. She wonders, with a small silent sob, how much of him left that she recognizes.

As if broken by some spell, he breaks the eye contact and glances stoically at his watch.

She takes in the gesture with a sharp intake of breath, her eyes sad and wide.

He says. "I have to go." And simultaneously, she says it too, softly, gently, sadly. "You have to go."

He looks up at her again. "Sakura." And then he smiles properly, the edges of his lips upturned like it used to be. But it isn't a bright smile, it's a withering smile, the struggling-to-stand, the you-be-happy smile. She knows, she knows, she's been on that side before, and now he's mirroring her. In the most infuriating, damnedest way.

"I hope you're - "

"New York is a big city." she cuts him off quickly, her breathing suddenly in short puffs. "It's the city of lights, where the rain can look pretty when it wants at the most dreary times. It's wretchedly cold, and windy, but it's a big place, Naruto. It's a big place for a girl. For me."

He purses his lips, his smile diminishing, and this time his eyes making an effort to search for something in her instead.

"Every time I sit for night classes, and go home in the rain, chasing what warmth left in the air...I see strangers around me...wearing your face," she continues softly.

Their breath comes out in tiny clouds. The shopkeeper of the retail store emerges from the shop, and turns to lock it, keys jangling in the air.

"And then I go, am I drunk?" she laughs, choking in her own suppressed sob. "But my heart started beating really fast, Naruto, abnormally fast. I would know, I'm an intern myself, my palms sweat even though it was minus degrees out there, and I know...something's wrong with me."

She looks at him intently, trying not to break down, not this time, not in front of him. Her hands shake and she wraps her thin frame with them, trying to stop shaking.

He notices this with some alarm, and moves slowly to steady her but she straightens to a rod, stopping him abruptly in his tracks.

"Naruto," she whispers. "Do you see? Do you know?"

His eyebrows crease and he looks like he aged within a few seconds. "Are you sick, Sakura?" He finally asks carefully, his voice tinged with mild concern.

She gasps as she releases a sob and bites down at her lips firmly to stop herself.

"Naruto. I'd have thought you'd understand. You of all people. The meaning of loss. You know that, so why did you do it?" She takes a small step forward but he does not move. She continues, this time speaking quickly. "Have you forgotten how to love? Is that it? One must love with the heart, not the brain, Naruto; but you used your brain to deal with matters that should have been dealt with the heart."

Silence. And then, his mouth flattens to a grim line and his stare hardens to stone. The edge of his silhouette crumbles away to reveal a shadow of himself; an exhausted star, a black hole exploding on itself.

"You're so selfish, Sakura," he says, unyielding, all prior concern gone with the wind. "You always have been. I've been stressed out, can't you see?"

There is steel in his voice, yet she hears him like he's calling for help to her. But his eyes speak differently. The blue eyes were ice - harsh and cold.

"Of course you don't," he says with a sad battering smile. "I have been swamped with everything. My life has not been better; work has become stressing for me but I have to do it, I have to do it, Sakura... I have to."

He utters the last sentence softly, slowly, letting it carry in the winds around her. She breathes in the cold harsh air and closes her eyes tightly.

"No," she says. "You didn't have to. You didn't have to do it alone. But you're stupid, and stubborn. I'm not going to go on a list about how dumb you are, because it didn't have to be this way. Because it isn't your fault. As much as I want it to be. It isn't mine either, as much as I want it to be too, for being ridiculous enough to think that this might last forever."

She swallows another sob, and opens her eyes, her gaze steel.

"We met at the wrong place, at the wrong time. I was naive, gullible; and you were broken, needed healing. We covered each other's wounds with fumbling hands, grappling in the dark. It isn't our fault, Naruto."

The smile she puts on feels like her mind and heart shattering into a million pieces inside of her; breaking like glass, and the pieces wedging in between her guts, bleeding internally.

"I have tried, Naruto," she says with an effort. "I'm sure you tried too, to a point. I don't know what happened in the end, maybe we pushed each other too hard, I really don't know."

He continues to look at her, feeling like a boulder just ran up and down his shoulders. He feels dragged down; suddenly realizing the exhaustion he's been holding at bay. The briefcase he is holding seems alarmingly heavy, and he can barely just grasp at it.

Her smile shakes distressingly and she tucks it away again with an incredibly heavy heart. She breathes as if she has been holding her breath, and with an effort, turns her back to him.

"Good bye, Naruto."

And then she takes one step away, two steps away, three, five, and then she is walking faster. Running, her eyes hard and wide, her heart thumping. The meager lights that were left blur around her, dimming, darkening, eating her in the darkness.

Sakura runs, not looking to turn back - not looking at Naruto's broken self, a soul now wrecked in pieces - a mirror of her own.

/

 _I apologize for the super subtle plotline (actually not a plot at all) but here's a little backstory: they were once a couple, but Naruto chose to prioritize work over their relationship, and pulled him away from Sakura, despite her attempt to rescue him from drowning in his work. it's pretty bad so review maybe?_


End file.
